I stand on Grace

Ok today has been a doozie.....we have had no power for over 24 hours and when we dont have power for that long we also lose water because our pump is underground and the tank runs out. So i couldnt even take a shower this morning before court. On top of that and the judge still being away my puppy died this afternoon. He had been really sick but I just thought he needed some anti-biotics. Not the best of days...

Ok so this is where my heart is...i am discovering somethings about myself that are pretty unsettling. And I'm just going to put myself out there and be honest...but the truth is im not sure how much I really trust God. Throughout this process I have seen how quickly I lose hope. Do I really believe in God's goodness? Today before court as I sat in my car hoping and praying by some slice of a chance the judge might actually be there, I started to think about Jesus. And all the things he has done before. Amazing things! Calming the wind, feeding the thousands, giving sight to the blind! In Matthew 17 the disciples want to know why they couldn't drive out the demon from the boy. Jesus says "Because you have so little faith." That was me this morning. I sat there thinking to myself I bet if I TRULY believed that God was capable of bringing this man back for court, he would be there. I wanted with all my heart to just BELIEVE he was there. I wanted to have this incredible faith that my God moves mountains and raises people from dead and that bringing this judge to court when no one said he was going to come was cake for Him. But God knows my heart. God sees my doubt. And I think it hurts his feelings. He has been so faithful to me in all my years and I look back at how he has perfectly weaved Neema and my story together in so many ways that can only be of Him, yet the second I can't see my way I realize how quick I am to step in and try to take things into my own hands. This is ugly and I want to hide this about myself but it's true.

What does having faith really mean? Right now I am learning the TRUE meaning of walking by faith and not by sight. This is a song by Ginny Owens that I think says so much about where I am now.

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to


Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

I know my God has a wonderful plan for me and maybe He just needs to 'wear me down' so He can build me back up. My faith may be weak but He is strong and thanks to my Jesus Christ, I can stand on grace.